How to break a bed

The easiest way is to use it heavily for several years. However, most of us don’t have several years on hands to idly lounge in bed and…uhh…watch Doctor Who for six hours a day.

One way that I just thought of using my coffee-addled brain is to take out a screw every night for about a week, so the bed gradually starts losing its sturdiness and then eventually collapses and comically injures the person(s) on it when it does.

Another rather humorous way of breaking a bed would be to create a black hole underneath it, thereby sucking the occupant and everyone they love into the black void of the unknown. But you can’t do that, because I wanna do that and I don’t know if the fabric of reality can take more than black hole at a time.

~~La Stranezza

How to make a bed

It takes a tremendous amount of effort into putting no effort into something. It’s really easy to put a little effort into something, like the way you make a bed and you get it somewhat right and then you say to yourself, well, that’s pretty decent, and then you just walk off because you have better things to do, like get on Tumblr for two hours.

But if you really wanna mess up making a bed, you have to invest some time. You have to make sure the flat sheet is bunched up just right and the comforter is upside down and backwards and coiled in an asymmetrical pattern, then you have to undo the pillow covers ever-so-slightly and sprinkle the bed with a pinch of Cheetos’ dust to complete the effect. It also helps if you dangle a pair of pants (not necessarily your own) off the side of the bed and scrape a little peanut butter on them. Furthermore, you have to spend twenty minutes considering how best to mess up your own bed to make sure you’re doing it right. I know I did.

~~La Stranezza, professional bedroom dirtier and break dance champion of the Southeast

Uno

So it turns out the reason why we have the abstract concept of one is because without one we wouldn’t have any punchbowls and I think that’s beautiful.

Stephen Hawking needs to write a book about it called “that one time Shelby was really tired and rambled on for thirty minutes about the number one to his girlfriend on the way back from a show”. We’ll be millionaires.

~~La Stranezza

Abe Lincoln

People often ask, “Coffee or tea?” and it makes me wonder: “Why not coffee and tea?” After all, you don’t have to try to assassinate the prime minister of Portugal just to prove you like Spain, and you don’t have to strangle a waxwork statue of Abraham Lincoln just because you’re not a fan of stovepipe hats. I may have learned this the hard way last weekend.

~~La Stranezza

The Cheese-Like

In this modern world we live in, I think we can all agree that  American “cheese” is the most disgusting thing ever.

Firstly, it isn’t even cheese. It’s a horrible monstrosity of nature that causes angels to weep and sad teenagers to play the guitar. The only resemblances between it and cheese are merely passing–you might mistake it from twenty feet away, but when you get close the mirage fails. Too late, though, you find; you have already been pulled into its trap. You are being smothered in an avalanche of cheese-like goo. You barely have time to make peace with your personal god when the goop enters into your mouth and smothers you. At last, you feel a strange sense of peace. The warmth of the cheese-like product–once destructive–becomes inviting, beckoning you to close your eyes. You do so, never to open them again.

~~La Stranezza

 

Top five ways to know you’re metrosexual

1. You know that root beer is not just a delicious beverage, but also a color and use it in this sense regularly.

2. You own more than one article of purple clothing, because purple is rockin’ and you’re a sassy mofo who don’t give a poop if anyone tells you purple is gay because it makes you look fabulous.

3. You wear bow ties frequently. By which I mean almost every day. And on the days you don’t wear a bow tie, you feel like you’re missing a golden opportunity and you hate yourself a little more on the inside for it.

4. You read the style section in GQ. It doesn’t matter if it was only once–if you have ever read the style section in GQ magazine, regardless of whether or not you found their fashion tips insightful, then you are a metrosexual. They make you fill out a form alleging your metrosexuality before you’re even allowed in that part of the website.

5. You often find yourself (quietly or otherwise) judging people on their clothing choices. Especially socks. God, I hate people who wear socks that clash with the rest of their outfit. That’s my number one pet peeve of all time. IF YOU CAN’T FIND THE ENERGY TO COORDINATE YOUR SOCKS YOU DON’T NEED TO BE OUT IN PUBLIC.

~~La Stranezza