Today, I graduate from high school.
Today, I become a man.
I will do manly things, like urinate outdoors and kill small animals with spears and then roast them over an open fire in my backyard. I will drink booze and emotionally neglect my children. I will grow a beard to the best of my ability, and I will remain stubborn in spite of blatant wrongness. I will wield my title proudly, taking drunk pictures of myself and the official diploma I made earlier today with glitter and posting them on Facebook.
This, of course, means that there must be some stylistic changes to reflect this momentous occasion in my blogging. I will no longer engage in base fart jokes; now, my bodily function of choice for lampoons is the much more exquisite orgasm, which I will use to make a political statement about the degradation of women in American culture.
I will also stop addressing my audience as either A) dear readers, or the much more common B) cow dung. Instead, I will take a leaf out of that magnificent chap Gatsby’s handbook and address you collectively as corpulent wastes of space.
Finally, I will increase sixfold my sacrifices to the Blog Gods. This will bring me honor and glory suitable for my new role as an adult in human society. At least, that’s what my manager tells me, and he has three brains, so I think we should believe him.
Thank you, and goodnight.