I think turtles are really swell. I mean, they’ve got these great humongous shells on them that protect their soft, squishy insides from danger, and they’ve also got weird heads that remind me of dinosaurs. Turtles are fairly awesome. In fact, I think the only thing I might like more than turtles is books, or perhaps coffee. I could use a lot of coffee right now. I was up late, thinking about turtles. I thought about how when it gets too much for turtles, they can always just retreat back into their shells. I also thought about how it must be awfully lonely in there, though–dark, and lonely, and probably uncomfortably moist. It would be nice if people had shells like that. They have also sorts of practical purposes. You can play them like drums, like a Disney movie; or you can use them like a hockey puck, like in a really cruel Disney movie. Also, imagine how interesting mating would be if people had to get around shells. It’d be terrible. You think about all these things when you can’t get to sleep. I did. I thought it’d be wonderful to be a turtle for at least a day, because turtles have somewhere to go, at least, when they are in a hostile environment, and you can’t say the same for people. We’re kinda messed up like that. If something bad happens, we can generally only get as far away as our feet can carry us, and there’s no guarantee of serenity within a foot-distance. Maybe someone should go in the market for giant turtle shells.

~~La Stranezza


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