The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Not Accidentally Buying Girl Pants and Subsequently Being Ridiculed By Your Peers

Today I went shopping for jeans at Goodwill. Why? Because A) Goodwill rocks; B) I only had one pair of actually fit me, no paint, no holes on the knee pair of jeans left; C) I had nothing better to do–or, rather, I had lots of better things to do but didn’t feel like doing them.

After an hour of shopping, I ended up with two pairs of jeans. See, the way this worked out is that there’s actually two jeans sections. One is “men’s” and includes a bunch of huge pants that would under no circumstances fit me–unless I was cloned and my clone and I wore the pants together–and some little girl pants. The other section is “women’s” which is, arguably, mainly women’s–but with a few (I hope) men’s jeans stowed away all willy-nilly. The reason it took so long is that I’m not good at these sorts of things and it took me awhile to figure out which ones were men’s just labeled under women’s for some bizarre reason, and which one’s were actually women’s. Along the way I picked up some trips to help a bro out:

  • Little Numbery Things. Girl pants tend to have one number on them–usually ranging from 0 to 15, or something like that–whereas boy pants have two: length and width, which generally appears in the format of lXw. Or maybe it was wXl…I can’t actually remember. Damn.
  • Waistband Size.  Girl pants’ waistbands are significantly smaller than guy pants’. I think this is the Blorgons’ doing.
  • Flowers. Why isn’t this one at the top of the list? I’ve never seen guy pants with flowers on them. I guess I just assumed it was painfully obvious and didn’t have to mention it, but apparently I did. You guys are weird.
  • Zipper Construction. Girl zippers are overly elaborate. Instead being a simple “zip up and button” design, they can range anywhere from “zip up and rotate trousers 12 degrees northwest along the fourth dimension” to “button up, zip horizontally, and pray to Pallas Athena for forgiveness”. This further backs my Blorgon theory, because what non-evil being would invent such a heinous design to torture us? No, don’t answer that.

Those are all the tips I have for today. Stay cool, dudes and dudinas.

~~La Stranezza

P.S. One could argue, however, that if you’re the sort of person who ironically buys jeans from Goodwill your level of caring if they’re women’s is probably low.

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10 thoughts on “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Not Accidentally Buying Girl Pants and Subsequently Being Ridiculed By Your Peers

  1. As someone who is constantly shopping for jeans on the off-chance that I can find a pair that fits without instantly enslaving my soul to Beelzebub, I have no sympathy for you, sir. You are allowed to avoid this weirder things.

    • Hey, why you gotta be that? I only have this to say in response to your rudeness:
      If you meet me
      Have some courtesy
      Have some sympathy, and some taste
      Use all your well-learned politesse
      Or I’ll lay your soul to waste.

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