Chicanery (Ballada de Guero)

You may not know this from reading my blog, but I’m Hispanic. Not super Hispanic, like speaks Spanish at the house and reads Gabo in the original (although that is a life goal of mine…) Hispanic, but more like “grandma is racist against Mexicans because she’s Spanish enough to know the difference even if I don’t” Hispanic.

The thing is, though: I don’t look Hispanic. I’m not exactly pale and pasty, but I’m lighter than most, and I’m not really that hairy either. I guess what I’m saying is that I could pass–and for the most part I do–as I a whitey. It would be one thing if I had a moustache–then my heritage wouldn’t really be in question–but without that 10%+ bonus I fall in between the lines that finely define “Anglo” and “Chicano”. I guess you could say I’m the Michael Jackson of Hispanics.

Naturally, when I try to tell people I’m Hispanic they’re all like, “No, way, Shelby! You’re too white to be Hispanic. You don’t even listen to Mexican-people music” and it makes me feel really bad, like I’m a race traitor or something. Guys, for real–it makes me feel like Benedict Arnold, but for beaners.*

Of course, while I don’t look or dance like the dirty Mexican I wish I was deep down, I do have some peculiarly Latino traits. My nose, for instance, is large enough to build a WWII memorial on, and I enjoy the music of Morrissey more than is humanly possible for white people (they did studies on the subject at Cornell). And isn’t that what truly unites us all, we various people of  Hispanic descent–our love of a sixty-three year old Irish-English singer-poet?

That was a rhetorical question.

~~La Stranezza

*It’s okay for me to call myself a beaner, but if you do it I might punch you.

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35 thoughts on “Chicanery (Ballada de Guero)

  1. Morrissey is cool, but I must admit there are other singers I prefer. But then, I’m so very pale that during the winter months I occasionally glow under black light. And I’m only half-joking about that.

  2. I get your feels; no one ever believes I’m half French. Every time I mention it everyone suddenly throws a fit and goes all “You’re too Asian to be French! Your DAD is Asian.” Yet, for some reason, they all think my hair is naturally blonde o_o An Asian with blonde hair… yep, totally possible. And you’re actually pretty lucky to have a big nose… My nose is so small I fear I may be turning into Voldermort…

    • I’m glad I have someone to wallow in misery with.
      However, you shouldn’t dis Voldemort because: A) He could probably kill you with his pinky; and B) nobody nose what he really feels on the inside.

      • Always good to share your misery. Sharing is caring, after all. Just thought I’d mention, I NEVER dissed Voldermort. It is impolite to disrespect your elders, and I’m beginning to get the feeling that Voldermort may be my great great grandfather. When I put on a white swimming cap… Why, I look just like him. I also hiss when I’m angry, I like to wear black robes… And oh, I spend most of my life plotting to be the greatest wizard the world has ever seen. And OHOHOHO I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE ;]. Pssh careful with your puns now, or I’LL be the one who kills you with my pinky. *hisses*

      • What, you hiss when you’re angry, too? I thought was just me. Huh, I’ll have to do some laboratory experiments to look into this now.

        Puns are my bread and butter–and this week I’ve been on a roll.

      • I hiss all the time… Even when I sleep, though some people call it snoring. When I’m doing my “angry hiss”, in my head I see myself being all ferocious and terrifying, but in reality I look like an irritated Mr. Bean. Speaking of bread (and ignoring yet another pun)… If bread always lands on the jam side, and cats always land on their feet… If you tied the two together back to back, would they keep spinning on and on for all eternity?

      • Well, no. Cats have more force (in Newtons) than toast, so their gravitational pull towards the ground would have them landing upright. At least, I think that’s how it works…I just started physics and have a very limited grasp on the subject.
        Of course, there’s always the possibility it would cause a rift in the space-time continuum, so definitely don’t try this at home, kids.

      • Now, I think you’re underestimating the toast. Toast can be pretty determined, especially when the topping is nutella… And if you think about it positively, you could use this cat/toast combination to power a jet, or perhaps even a space craft. It’ll save us a lot of fuel, and plus it’ll look way cooler than metal.

  3. I know how you feel, Stranezza. I’m the lightest-skinned person in my family, so they all call me “white girl”. Or, ya know, chica blanca. (Even though we’re not Hispanic, they like to speak the little Spanish they know when referring to me.) People in my school didn’t believe that I was biracial until my really really black grandfather picked me up from school one day a few years ago.
    So yeah. I feel your pain.

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