My Name Is La Stranezza, And This Is Why I Hate Closets

Closets are evil. I mean, what have they ever done for us? Never opened doors, or cured cancer, or turned into transformers to fight off alien invaders. They’re completely worthless, and probably also behind a massive conspiracy to slit our throats with super-sharp Occam’s razors, although that has yet to be confirmed. Here are some other reasons closets suck:

  1. You never know what’s in them. Could be a body, could be multiple bodies, could be a portal to a darker timeline where Community is cancelled. That’s scary.
  2. I can never keep closets clean. It’s always when I want to pick up my room half of the stuff ends up in my closets*, which quite possibly contributes to my phobia of finding a body.  Think about it.
  3. Closets occupy some weird fourth dimension where it’s easy to lose stuff. Once during a match of hide-and-seek, I went into the closet to hide and by the time I found my way out it was dinnertime…Forty-two years later!
  4. Another closet anecdote: Once I went to get something out of my closet and had a weird hallucination that my sister was hiding inside and was jumping out to strangle me.
  5. That’s around the time we started eating farm-raised, non-pasteurised chicken eggs. Readers, take note.
  6. Pirates. Pirates love closets–why do you most pirate crews are all male?

And that, my friends, is why I hate closets. Vive l’armoire!

~~La Stranezza

*I have two closets. One of them is really tall and deep, but not that wide. The other is short and wide and very shallow. It freaks me out.


2 thoughts on “My Name Is La Stranezza, And This Is Why I Hate Closets

  1. I hate my closet too. It’s like a huge zombie bear that likes to give me creepy hugs. Every time I find the courage to face what’s in there in an attempt to find some unimportant yet necessary stuff, the doors just… Shut behind me and trap me inside O_O” It’s like the closet is lonely and loves me so much it isn’t willing to let me go :'(. I actually found a mannequin in my closet once… Not a real body, but close…

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