Closets are evil. I mean, what have they ever done for us? Never opened doors, or cured cancer, or turned into transformers to fight off alien invaders. They’re completely worthless, and probably also behind a massive conspiracy to slit our throats with super-sharp Occam’s razors, although that has yet to be confirmed. Here are some other reasons closets suck:
- You never know what’s in them. Could be a body, could be multiple bodies, could be a portal to a darker timeline where Community is cancelled. That’s scary.
- I can never keep closets clean. It’s always when I want to pick up my room half of the stuff ends up in my closets*, which quite possibly contributes to my phobia of finding a body. Think about it.
- Closets occupy some weird fourth dimension where it’s easy to lose stuff. Once during a match of hide-and-seek, I went into the closet to hide and by the time I found my way out it was dinnertime…Forty-two years later!
- Another closet anecdote: Once I went to get something out of my closet and had a weird hallucination that my sister was hiding inside and was jumping out to strangle me.
- That’s around the time we started eating farm-raised, non-pasteurised chicken eggs. Readers, take note.
- Pirates. Pirates love closets–why do you most pirate crews are all male?
And that, my friends, is why I hate closets. Vive l’armoire!
*I have two closets. One of them is really tall and deep, but not that wide. The other is short and wide and very shallow. It freaks me out.