Space Jesus was a Jew

This post is highly controversial and likely to make a lot of people very mad. Before you construe inflammatory comments about my mother (the leprous prostitute!) please refer to the section of my about page for guidelines to posting. Namely, the last paragraph. It’s the one at the bottom. 

People, we live in a society filled with deception and untruths. The people in charge don’t want us to know what’s really going on–they think we might go “mad” and try to “drive our Hyundais into K-Mart” before “fleeing the police” in a “hotdog van”. It is now time for me to reveal one of these horrible untruths Fox News has been using to curtail our personal liberties:

The Holocaust was a lie. 

Now, hold up–I know what you’re thinking. “Wow, this guy must be a neo-Nazi to try to deny the Holocaust like that. I should light his house on fire.” Well, I’m not a neo-Nazi: I’m a space Nazi. Yes, that’s right, folks–Jews are really monstrous aliens out to eat our young!

It all started in ancient Egypt. See, the Jews, having perfected the art of alchemy on their home planet and subsequently turning the whole place to gold out of hubris, decided to focus their attentions on planet Earth.

The Egyptians caught onto the America-hating space menace before they could do real harm, though, and forced them to build great monuments used to power their IsisPhones and toasters.

Then they grew lazy and decided to let the Jews take over the power plants. Big mistake–before the Egyptians knew what hit them, they had gone the way of King Tut: reduced to making minor appearances on late night TV as zombie precursors.

The Jew menace went underground for a few thousand years, finally surfacing again in Judea and trying to spread a message of world “peace”* Yes, that’s right, folks–Jesus was a space Jew! 

Unfortunately for the voodoo sharks who ruled the Italian peninsula, Jesus darn well succeeded, and the Jews gained control of most of the ancient world.

It wasn’t until Hitler came around and saw the truth that anything was done to impede their all-but-inevitable domination of the human race. He rounded them up in “freedom camps” so that they couldn’t explode the Statue of Liberty as their plan had been the entire time (the eating our young thing was just a ruse to distract us from the truth).

However, before he could exterminate them permanently they escaped on their yarmulke-shaped spacecraft and established a settlement on Mars, where they plot their revenge, leaving only enough of their treacherous brethren behind to infiltrate our governments and fabricate Obama’s birth certificate.

It is our duty as mighty Earthicans to eliminate the Jewish threat, preferably by buying non-Kosher foods and feeding them to Rabbis. To arms, citizens, to arms!

~~La Stranezza

*I.e., not world peace.

 

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