You know your life is over when TVTropes shows up on your Most Visited page on Chrome. See, TVTropes is like Nutella cookies–you can never eat just one.
Wait, that doesn’t make sense. You don’t eat websites. You eat cookies–especially Nutella cookies, WHICH ARE F—ING DELICIOUS.
Background: I had Nutella cookies for the first time yesterday evening. They had the consistency of brownies and made me want to cry they were so delicious.
More background: The reason I speak in tomorrows and yesterdays is because all my posts are scheduled–I write them the night before, so when I say yesterday I mean today and when I say tomorrow I mean the day after tomorrow, because time travel is really hard to write about.
More blatant lies: My TV is a British spy. All the closed captions are in UK English–Pyjamas, Favourite, etc. to the highest degree (which is seven).
All lies are equally true.
Back to the Nutella cookies. I ate too many and it gave me a tummy ache. I never say stomach ache because stomach is a funny word and it reminds me of death. I always have a stomach ache, or if not always than for the most part, and being the paranoid bastard that I am I automatically assume that this means I have some sort of wretched disease and 24hrs left to live.
If I had a horrible disease I would want one of those really weird ones, where your hair falls out and you get an eidetic memory. I would put on a skin-tight spandex suit and call myself Dr. Mnemonic.
My catchphrase would be: “You can run, but you can’t hide…from Justice.” and I would say Justice in my Batman voice.
And my sidekick would be Gene Wilder’s animated corpse.