How To Drink Coffee Without Burning The **** Out Of Yourself

You’d be surprised how many people can’t figure out how to drink a simple cup of coffee these days. However, between suddenly realising that SPOILER ALERT Verbal Kint is really Keyser Soze SPOILER ALERT OVER and Alec Baldwin yelling at people to put down that effin’ coffee, coffee’s for closers only, among other things, the surprising (albeit madeup) fact of the matter is that 54% of the human population can’t drink coffee without burning the **** out of themselves. To help bring down that percentage, I’ve created the ultimate guide to coffee drinking. 

First thing’s first–brew the coffee. I know it might be tempting to just shove the grounds straight into your mouth and chew on them, but that’s for sissies. Besides, it’s nigh impossible to get all of those little black specky things out if you do it that way. So find a coffee pot or maybe a percolator or just do it like Steve Martin does (start around 00:53) and get yourself that coffee a’brewin’.

Secondly, you’re going to want to pour the coffee into a cup. This is where a lot of people mess up, as cups are notoriously small, so you might want to consider just leaving the coffee in the pot or using a funnel. Yes, funnels are good…*Vacant stare off into dead space* What? Oh, sorry, I definitely wasn’t thinking of the years I spend in a Charlie POW camp. JOHNNY DON’T DIE ON ME!

Thirdly, once you stop with the violent flashbacks, you want to add sugar and creamer and stuff to taste. However, I should like to add that, by doing so, you’re just giving the Baldman more time to rain on your parade. A good rule of thumb for figuring out how much sugar to add is this: If you give some of your coffee to a hummingbird and the hummingbird explodes, then you’ve added to much…For the creamer, you’ll have to figure that out by yourself. I don’t put that s*** in my coffee.

Fourthly, you’re going to want to put the cup/pot to your mouth and tilt it at an angle greater that ninety degrees (120 is a good place to start), gradually tilting the bottom of the cup upwards about 5 degrees with each sip. Note: If you don’t know how to  do this, then you shouldn’t be drinking coffee in the first place.

And that’s all you need to know about drinking coffee. I’m La Stranezza, and this is How To Do A Task So Simple A Child Could Complete It I Mean Really Just The Mere Fact That You’ve Created A Guide To Drinking Coffee Is Insulting To The Human Race’s Intelligence.

~~La Stranezza

 

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