Hello. Today I shall teach you all how to come up with an excellent blog post. So excellent, in fact, that it could be considered in some ways the Martin Scorsese of Chuck Norrises of blog posts.
List of ingredients:
- Computer. You don’t actually need a computer to write the excellent post, but unless you have telepathy you’ll probably need it to post. Of course, if you had telepathy, I’m sure you’d have better things to do besides blog…Unless it’s lame telepathy where you can only here it when people think about rugby.
- Brain. Brains are important, because they’re what makes you think. If you don’t have a brain, you won’t be able to think of any good ideas, let alone any ideas whatsoever.
- Oxygen. Without this important little badboy, you would die. Therefore, it’s imperative that you have a steady supply of oxygen whilst blogging.
- Fingers. I know a lot of people overlook these, but they are really useful nevertheless. Come on. Just think about it. You can figure out why fingers are important by yourself–and if you can’t, you should probably go look for item two on this list.
Now that you have your key ingredients, it’s time to begin.
- Step One: Think up a mediocre idea, and then add the words “awesome”, “dragon”, “excellent”, “save big money on car insurance”, and/or “funderful” to it. You can also change some of those words to adverb form if you’d like.
- Step Two: Inarguably the most important step of all: Come up with a smashing title. Now, the title really doesn’t have to have anything to do with the blog–it just has to be there, and it has to look cool. Use big words like “quadrophonic” and “odious” and maybe also “bilateral”. The more obscure the better. Remember, people want to think that they’re smarter than they actually are, so if you come up with a snazzy title like “The Odiously Quadrophonic Bilateral Agreement in Regards to the Eurozone Debt Crisis Comes to a Brouhahaic Head”, people are going to read it, even if the post actually has nothing to do with the Eurozone Debt Crisis.
- Step Three: Write the post. This part is incredibly easy. All you have to do is make shit up and, as previously stated, use big words. To paraphrase the words of the voices in Kevin Kosner’s head: “If you write it, they will come.”
- Step Four: Spell cheek. This is pretty important, too, because it kinda takes the oomph out of all the big words you’ve been using if none of them are spelt correctly.
- Step Five: Add completely irrelevant albeit popular tags, such as “Katy Perry”, “Man getting mauled by donkey”, “Academy Award ceremonies”, and, according to Bing, “Bald Barbie”. These help bring in suckers who will view your blog and, after having been made to feel smarticle, will share links to your blog, and eventually those guys will share links, too, until eventually you conquer the known universe. Probably.
- Step Six: Press the “Publish” button on the right-hand side of the screen. It’s hard to miss–a big blue button, shaped like a pill capsule, and it says “Publish” on it. You just hit that, and voila, you now have a blog post. Serve with ganache and enjoy.