Congratulation, readers! You get the delectably enjoyable delight of having your very own Stranezza give you the five bestest tips any beginning writer could ever imaginatively ponderously dreamily speakingly wonder about. Five. Not four or three or six or ten, but five.
- Don’t Make Sense. If someone makes sense, it usually means that A) they’re trying to sell you something or B) they’re trying to convert you to their religion, which may or may not involve the ritualistic sacrificing of goats. Sense is overrated–No, instead you have to be willing to beat the shite out of every sentence and paragraph until all they can murmur from pain and agony is fracturedly phrased fastidiations. Which leads us to our next tip of the day…
- Use Large Amounts of Visual Irony and/or Metafictional Literary Techniques. Sure, most people say that the point of writing is to draw attention away from the text but can you really afford to do something so risky if you’re really busy being
- Condescending to the Audience. Of course, I really don’t expect any of you to get these one, but I’m including it anyway, because I know that some of us smrter people will definitely get it, and–you know what, I don’t even want you guys here anymore. Go, you jerks! Go read some other person’s blog! This is my blog and I won’t have a gaggle of goofs gawking at it twenty-four seven, okay?
- Make up a plethoric schmooveska of wordiness. In other words, distarkedly rid your mind of pre-existant nouns and propositional phrasings, instead optifying for inventificated word such as NaNoic (of or pertaining to NaNoWriMo), Quadrophobia (the fear of four), or even omphalos (an ancient religion stone artifact used to denote the direction of the centre of the word).*
- Finally, last but not least, make sure that when you say you’re going to have five things on your list you actually do have five things on your list, because otherwise you’d look like a big idiot.
*Okay, so maybe I didn’t make up that last one, but I didn’t expect you to know that, because you have the mental brainspan capacitation of a Cookieville orphan.