Der Tod in Fakka

Vivian, swayed by Paprika’s strong words, decided to angrily smite all of those that had gone democratising this great nation of Fakka, and thusly ruled the heavens to reign down upon Earth, flinging fyre and Brimstone down on the nonbelievers. All in all, it was pretty awesome.

Of course, even girl cows get the blues, and Vivian soon was exhausted from all the smiting she’d been doing. She lay down in a field, commanding Paprika to watch over her while she slept.

Paprika said, “Okeley-dokeley,” but soon she feel asleep, too.

Meanwhile, in the reeds a few yards away the Rebel Commander Cinnamon and his troupe of Allspician freedom fighters were conversing on the best way to take them out both at the same time.

“Ve must use zie rocket launcher!” Steve said.

“Nein,” answered Cinnamon.

“But ve only habe one rocket launcher…”

“It is German for no, you idiot!” he cried, backhanding Steve across zie face. “Fire zie missiles!”

In a thoroughly Apocalypse Nowish fashion, missiles flew out of nowhere, completely obliterating Paprika. Of course, it’s a bit harder to kill a Goddess, and Vivian awoke with a start.

“Huh? What was that?” she said, looking into the reeds. “Oh, hello there…are you the pizza delivery man?”

“No. Ve are zie schnitzel men, ja! Zat ist it!”

“Huh…I’ve never actually tried schnitzel, but, you know, they don’t sound too bad…Besides, it’s not like you’re all actually Fakkian freedom fighters posing as schnitzel men to poison me!”

“Ve are not? OH! Vait, yeah, ve are not. Do like listen to zat man, Schteve,” Cinnamon said, pointing at his second in command.

“Uh…here are you schnitzels, ja!” Steve said, handing Vivian a lit stick of dynamite.

“This doesn’t look appetising…Oh well!” She swallowed the stick of dynamite whole. There was a muted explosion. She burped. “Ah…a bit spicier than I’d expected. Any more have you?”

Cinnamon and Steve exchanged nervous glances.

“Run away!”

That was the end of the resistance movement, and the so-called rightful government was restored by the end of the week, with Paprika’s nephew Cardamom taking place as the new monarch. Asides from this, the only lasting change the failed revolution left was that the economy received a huge boost due to the large amount of dynamite sold to the neighbouring cows of Denmarkthree.

~~La Stranezza


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