What’s happening, fellow creatures of a hopefully non-hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobic
nature? By the way, that was rhetorical. Translation below. I’m Liam Wood, of whom you might
have heard described as an insane person who makes insane comments on rather un-insane posts.
La Stranezza and I have one thing in common: we both write insane posts, though I write them
more insanely. [Shut it, Stranezza; this is my guest post, which you gave to me willingly.]
Anyway, rivalry aside, he gave this post to me, so I’m gonna milk it for all it’s worth.
Moving on. This is the first guest post I’ve done. I need a little outside help, so I’m going to call
in my Little Fictional Person, Quirk. He isn’t needed for the topic I chose (don’t tell him that), but
he likes them. The topic is…
Yes, today’s topic is buttons. We, as a country, need to study the merits and hidden natures of
buttons. Let’s start with a few simple facts about these little… buttons. (What else can you call
1. They keep things together
2. They pop off (usually when used by hobbits), just like people
3. On mechanical devices, they can either do something useful or nothing at all
4. Quirk has a collection of buttons (he made me put that in there)
5. They are mainly used for fastening or pressing
6. My sister knows how to press mine
7. [Insert your fact here]
8. Some buttons are used for decoration only, like the emergency brake button on most
So, looking at these facts, we see that buttons, however simple, are quite useful. Sometimes they
are round, sometimes they are square, sometimes they are trapezoidal. They are sometimes
symmetrical, sometimes asymmetrical. To Quirk, they are the epitome of usefulness in keeping
away the evil people who are chasing him. To me, they are useless when not in useful positions.
The 21st of October is Count Your Buttons day. Once again, Quirk interjects, saying that buttons
should be counted every day, but this day should be a national holiday. These are the merits of
buttons. But what are the hidden uses?
Well, sometimes they can house tiny cameras, listening devices, or devices that make other
surveillance equipment useless. And as always when speaking of hidden natures, there’s a
conspiracy theory involved. In this case, I call it “The Button Conspiracy Theory”. Profound,
isn’t it? Well, here’s my theory:
Long ago, when someone smart had only just discovered the usefulness of buttons, only a few
select people wore them. They were men who flirted with danger daily, and needed something to
help with this mighty task. They seized on the idea of buttons. Not only were they great at
holding up pants (which had always fallen down at the most awkward moments before), they
could be detached and used as weapons. Don’t ask me how– the military men of those days
could fight with anything. ANYWAY, the marketing men of those days also had a few tricks up
their buttonless sleeves. They saw that those fighting men had such great success with their
pants, and wanted that. They came out with their own line of buttons. But these, in the hands of
civilians, proved to be disasters. The general public couldn’t figure out what to do with these
novelties. They, of course, protested, that being the only thing the general public could do at the
time. Unfortunately, the buttoned-up army were taken aback. They couldn’t be said to have been
affronted, since they were facing the other way. So they were abacked-ed. The army quickly
subdued what they thought was a riot, and peaceful peace ensued within the borders of…
wherever they are. But buttons made a comeback in the public, once a company called Button
Ballistics found a way to make them more handy. But unbeknown to the people, they made
buttons more prone to popping off, hence their company name, and made them track the wearer
anywhere the said wearer went. In this way they completely took over the world.
Side note: Quirk influenced that conspiracy theory a lot. In fact, he pretty much wrote it. And he
claims to have the only buttons left in the world not to be contaminated by Button Ballistics. He thinks that Button Ballistics then made a type of pellet-shooting guns called “BB Guns.” Sound familiar? He
also wanted to add that he then saved the world from imminent disaster by lipstick, then was
crowned king but stepped down to someone special named Elizabeth, who still rules.
So, that’s what I know about buttons, and what Quirk thinks he knows about buttons. Tune in
next time to hear Quirk talk about… sleeves!
Translation from above: Hello, other people (though you might not be human) of a nature that
doesn’t fear words.