Þe Olde Cat Flap

Once upon a time in the far-away-but-actually-rather-nearby land on “England” (which may or may not actually exist…Our highly-trained team of reporter monkeys are working on this), Isaac Newton had a cat.

Yeah, I know, it’s weird, right? I don’t really see Newton as a cat person..Maybe a parakeet person, but not a cat person. I think it’s something to do with that crazy hairstyle of his. Well, that, and also because he worked on optics. I mean, a cat would be very counter-productive in that particular endeavour…

Anyways, Isaac Newton had this cat, right? Well, the cat had babies, because that’s one of the things that cats do.

So Newton gets this crazy idea…He’s going to cut two different holes in his door so that the cat can get in the big hole and the little kittens can get in through the slightly smaller hole, not realising that the kitten will follow their mother through the big hole.

Newton realises his incredibly stupid mistake, does Þe olde facepalm, and has really crazy hair.

And that, my dear friends, is how the cat flap was invented, minus the facepalm part, because Isaac Newton was morally opposed to the facepalm. He actually wrote a treatise on his hatred of the facepalm entitled, “The Negative Effects of the Palm Upon the Face When Placed on it in a Decidedly Upwards Fashion,” published in 1695 in Hanover by his sworn enemy, Gottfried Leibniz. It was actually one of the few things that Newton and Leibniz didn’t completely disagree upon.

The end.

~~La Stranezza


3 thoughts on “Þe Olde Cat Flap

  1. Absolutely brilliant. You should also include a quote from the treatise: “[The] palm, when placed… upon the face… has such dastardly… repercussions that it should be… abolished completely from our culture… immediately after I… try it myself. On second… thought, it’s actually quite… fun.”

  2. You spelled it wrong. It’s “The Negitive Effects of the Palme upon the Face when Placed on it in a Decididlie Upwardes Fashhion”. Go check your facts.

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