Sean Connery: Super Spier or Super Liar?

We all know Sean Connery for his incredible role as James Bond, and also as Indiana Jones’ dad in The Last Crusade, but do we know the real Sean Connery?

 The answer is, of course, no…Ish. For instance, where was Sean Connery on the night of October 3rd, 2003?

Our sources (read: my whacked up brain) tell us that there’s a very slight chance that Sir Connery was in the vicinity of Louisville, Kentucky, on that night, involved in a vast Scottish conspiracy to rob the United States Bullion Depository of their precious bullion.

As everyone knows, Scotland is warmed by the Gulf Stream, which is why its climate is more temperate than climates on similar altitudes. You see, Sean Connery, growing slightly insane with old age, decided that he was going to mimic his character Sir August de Wynter from the 1998 critically-hated film The Avengers, and then came to the conclusion that the best way to do so would be to change the weather of his native Scotland to make it warmer.

Of course, doing so required a large amount of gold for some reason or another. I don’t have that part of my conspiracy theory written down yet.

Anyways, Sean Connery wants gold, right, and so he decides the rob the United States Bullion Depository so that he can mimic a character he played in one of the worst films of all time. Because that’s just how his mind works, you know? He’s old. You gotta cut him some slack.

So Connery is flown to America by Honor Blackman (who, coincidentally, was in the original Avengers TV series), is held captive by Auric Goldfinger, seduces Honor Blackman (because that’s the way he rolls), fights a 300-pound former sumo wrestler, and then gets the girl (who, coincidentally, happens to be Honor Blackman. Weird, huh?).

No, wait…That’s the plot of Goldfinger. Here’s what really happened:

Sean Connery flies to Ft. Know, beats the crap out of a bunch of people, steals the gold, and then gets the girl, who happens to be a cryogenically frozen version of Honor Blackman from 1964, thus plunging the United States even further into debt for some reason or another.

The End.

Okay, so I just made that all up. Sean Connery isn’t really that crazy. But it would still make an awesome film, no?

~~La Stranezza


3 thoughts on “Sean Connery: Super Spier or Super Liar?

  1. No, wait– He flies to Ft. Know, beats the crap out of half of a bunch of people, then his back seizes up and he’s captured. He’s old, you know? So now, as he’s being held by Auric Goldfinger’s long-lost twin’s son-in-law (named Silverfinger), Dishonor Whitewoman, Honor Blackman’s slightly deranged protege, rescues him, gives him some Aspirin for his back and carts him off to Italy, where they steal all of Italy’s gold. Well, they didn’t really steal it– they just asked the Italian government politely for it and, in exchange for three bottles of vintage wine, the government gives it to them, which they then use to stage another elaborate plot to steal the US treasury’s money (if there is any left). After this plot is finished (and since we don’t have the time to go into the details, we’ll just say that it involved mascara, penguins and a whole lot of duct tape), Mr. Connery pays a black market metalworker to make a huge hunk of metal that will blast off into outer space and push the Earth slightly out of its orbit to get Scotland into the path of the sunlight a little bit more. And for all of this, the Scots get off Scot-free.

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