In this next week, you should expect three things:
- To laugh your socks off at my humorous outlook on life, the universe, and everything.
- To go on an existentialist adventure that involves you turning out to be inside someone’s poorly written novel. *Cough*Sophie’s World, ftw!*cough*
- To be haunted by three ghosts. I won’t tell you which three, but I will tell you that, happily, none of them are the Hayden Christensen version of Darth Vader’s ghost. [Cue applause.]
In addition to those three things, here are three more things that will happen but which are to be completely unexpected:
- You will be attacked by a horde of rabid flamingoes. Pay $80,000 for medical fees.
- Spiro Agnew’s evil twin will move into your neighbourhood, and the resulting events will be both awesome and somewhat surreal. If you ask him nicely, he might teach you how to make a really kick-ass gyro.
- Someone in your school will use the word effigy–correctly, I should add–in a sentence. Just hope they’re not talking about you.
Finally, here’s three things that actually won’t happen next week, even though it would be really cool if they did:
- Neil Gaiman stops in your local café and you get to talk to him about writing and other fun stuff.
- You somehow get warped to an alternate universe where everyone uses proper grammar when composing messages over the Internet.
- It turns out that Kwanzabot and the Hanukkah Zombie are both real. However, Santa Claus is still fake and the Esther Bunny is currently under house arrest for using Easter Eggs to smuggle marijuana into the United States.
So, before the days turns dark, I’m going to go see if we have any peanuts. I could really go for some peanuts right about now…