*In his best Professor Farnsworth voice* Good news, everyone!
It turns out I’m not failing maths. My teacher just has the weirdest grading system of all time.
This calls for a toast! Where’d I put that moscato…
Speaking of toasts, my birthday is tomorrow. This means that, if you haven’t put your goat in the mail yet, you ought to do it soon. Thor is a rather temperamental god and he needs to be appeased at least once a week.
For my Texan readers, you might also consider getting a spare goat or two for yourselves while you’re at it, so as to help with your wildfire predicament.
Goats are wildly useful, aren’t they?
Here’s a list of other things you can do with a goat:
- Have goat races.
- Stroke the goat’s beard. Goat beards feel funny.
- Sick the goat on your enemies.
- Teach it to play the banjo. Like an animatronic bear!
- Cut the grass. Goats are natural lawnmowers. They, like the metaphorical Mikey, will eat anything.
And that’s today’s list of Five Things You Could Do If You Owned Goats.
You can also do most of these things with bison, too. It’s just highly disapproved in most cultures.
In today’s news, something or other happened.
The capital of Oregon is in the state of Oregon.
Two can be as lonely as one.
Comic books are in no way comical.
There’s a weird plant in my room that keeps telling me that I need to feed it blood.
The colour green is a combination of blue and yellow.
There is no such place as Canada.
And that’s it for today’s lack of news! Tune in next time to hear how shampoo smells nice.