How Vivian, At Any Rate, Lived

A Preface

Before we start this tale, I must first remark on the utterly fantastical fact that Vivian was purple. Not just a regular purple–no, Vivian was a special piebald purple, although no one was quite sure whether or not she was purple with white splotches or white with purple splotches, or some odd combination of either, as these things tend to happen more often than not when you’re dead.

I would also like to thank the late Douglas Adams for inspiration for this parable.

Moving On…

Where were we? Oh, yes, I was about to start chapter five in this odd collection of…cow-related stories.

Now, as you know, Vivian was a cow, and a purple one at that, and she (or was it he?) lived in Denmark V2.0, also known as Heaven, also known as where cows go when they die.

As you also know, Vivian established a free-market economy in Heaven, thus dooming it to the same fate as Earth, and, to a lesser extent, Hell, and also creating an artificial demand for shoes. Not that cows needed shoes–they just thought they were rather pretty and enjoyed chewing on them, not realising that they were made out of their fallen comrades.

Anyway, to keep up with this artificial demand for shoes, Vivian started a chain of shoe stores known as Creepers&Thongs*. C&T was a huge sensation, and Vivian then moved onto a successful yoghurt franchise that employed the largely unemployed working-class minority cows.

However, because the demand for shoes was still high, Vivian took a risky gamble and decided to sell her yoghurt franchise to Ingrid Heifersdóttir and expand C&T. This turned out to be rather wise, as later that day Vivian let slip that yoghurt was a dairy product made by allowing milk to ferment. The yoghurt industry then fell apart and all the minority cows became, once again, unemployed.

Unemployed and depressed, the cows decided to spend their last kroner on shoes, thus increasing the supply for shoes.

C&T expanded more and, unsurprisingly, it became economically infeasible to build anything but shoestores, and the economy of Denmark V2.0 went crumbling, much like that of Frogstar World B.

Vivian, to protect her honour, committed ritualistic suicide**, thus saving face and making it all the way to Denmark V3.0 all at the same time.

At about the same time, the minority cows staged a revolt and imposed severe trade limitations on the shoe industry, thus making it viable to sustain life in Denmark V2.0.

The very next day, there was a wake for Vivian. No one showed up but a rather cross Iguana by the name of Torvald who wanted to know when the film was starting.

*The sandals, you pervert.

**I’m betting you’re wondering how the mechanics of this work, aren’t you?

~~La Stranezza

P.S., just because Vivian is dead doesn’t mean that the stories won’t continue. I plan to pull a J.K. Rowling and milk this cow all it’s worth.


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