I’m afraid I may have the plague! Well, one of the plagues at the very least.
Anyways, I’ve had a bad cough for a couple days now, which is unusual for me, as I tend to get sick for a day at a time. This leads me to believe that I’ve been infected by a slow-acting biologically engineered disease that kills you after a certain amount of time for no apparent reason.
Of course, I realise that for me to infected with such a disease would be absurd to say the very least, but that doesn’t make me less afraid. As discussed many times before, I’m even more paranoid than Tobey Macguire in Brothers–which, by the way, is an awesome movie that you all should see. It was really intense.
I have a magnificent plan to get rid of my cough. Unfortunately, it involves a large amount of plutonium and several goats. See, plutonium I can get–I know guy who knows a guy who knows Kim Jong-un. Goats, on the other hand, pose somewhat of a problem as PETA got me on several violations of the Animal Welfare Act of 1966. Darn hippies…
My plan was, just so you know, was to snacrifice the goats to Thor in order to appease the Gods (’cause Gods need appeasing, you know?) and then inject myself with plutonium so that I could get super powers, Spider-Man style! Then I would swing from webs like a total badass and beat the cookie dough out of ne’er-do-wells. Oh, and I would also learn to break dance, because break dancing is cool.